2:30 AM and Stressed….

Yes, me, up at 2:30 in the morning.  I cannot sleep.  My mind is racing.  Just like my little legs were not that long ago.

I was in the racks at 8:45 today (absolutely pathetic on a Saturday night but such is this life I have succumb to) and despite my best efforts to get into some show on TV, I was dozing off by about 8:55.  Sad.  Given my rest day Monday, my goal is to be up past 9:00pm tonight.  I’m getting very crazy as age 31 rapidly approaches.

4 hours later, I have been awake ever since.  I have so much on my mind, and though its rare that my mind wins over sheer exhaustion, tonight the victory goes to my racing brain.

My “real” job (which I don’t discuss very often) has been very stressful for the last 2-3 weeks.  We are in the midst of preparing for our first quarterly meeting with our new managers since we’ve been mapped to the Securities side of the bank from the Capital Markets side. It’s a good change, we think (read: we think money will be better), but that won’t be determined for a few more months.  Nonetheless, stress #1 and though its only 2:30 am on Sunday, I am dreading Monday – Thursday of next week.  Some people reading this blog may not even know I have a “real job” or know what it even is…maybe I’ll blog about that on my next sleepless night 🙂

Coaching has been very stressful this week more than any other week honestly.  Many experienced coaches have offered me a “heads up” or their past stories of various situations that can arise as a coach that you never in a million years think you’ll find yourself in.  Well, without indulging any details, I have.  As a coach (or at least the kind of coach I like to be), I am very involved in the daily lives of my athletes, particularly the athletes training for more intense races.  I have learned a lot this week about communication and how that can be completely misconstrued.  I have been reminded that people often look for a scapegoat for their personal insecurities – which we’ve all done it at some point in our lives.  I am learning through the process that no matter how our actions are intended to be portrayed, not everyone sees them as you intended.  As a coach, I have not only learned a ton about triathlon, about myself as an athlete, about how other people tick, what pushes people’s buttons, what people like to hear, on and on!  Most importantly, I am reminded every single day, literally, that everyone in this world is so very different and as a coach, managing that is a full-time job in itself.

Race stress is mounting also, I cannot lie.  I have my first half and my longest race in nearly a year in a little over 3 weeks and I feel unprepared.  It’s so rare that I ever feel unprepared for the distance of a race because I’ve been doing long course for the last 2 full years.  The last few months with Stacey have been so speed-focused that I feel like my distance-training is lagging a little. I did my first 11 mile run last Thursday after teaching spin class, and albeit it went fine, it still hurt.  An hour and a half run used to be a “shorter” run about this time last year, and it’s amazing how you can alter your training and how your body will adapt.  I did my first hour on the treadmill and then my last 3 1/2 miles outside at tempo.  I took the treadmill part relatively easy and stuck to right around an 8:00 pace, little faster, little slower sometimes.  My tempo outside was tough, and was hitting low 7:00’s with mile 10 at 6:55, so it’s nice to see the speed filter itself into the distance, but again, it hurts.  I am trying not to stress over the race and or the distance as this will be my 5th half and it’s flat as a pancake, but it’s still Nationals (same thing I did in Vermont a few weeks ago, but this time for this  distance) and it’s still fast and furious.  I will keep updating as to the status of my training as that unwinds.

I am so a bit nervous about the circuit race tomorrow, the Carolina Cup.  Today’s crit has left me anxious for tomorrow’s race, which gives you an idea of how today went.  More on that later.

I am anxious about getting older and where I am at this juncture of my life.  Plain and simple.  Sounds crazy, but I’m starting to dread my birthdays.  I love my life, but there is so much I still long for.  Patience.

Other stressful things are also going on my personal life which are contributing to my now 3:00am blog post.  What will put me to rest though is knowing I have the best family in the world (who I will get to see at my race tomorrow!), a sister who is my absolute best friend in the world, my support system, and my sounding board to keep me sane, and have the most amazing group of friends a girl could ask for.  Though I have my anxiety about missing a full weekend of training, I am so excited to go to Atlanta in 2 weeks with the girls to meet baby Sydney and be a “normal human” for a weekend!  I need that very badly every now and again to keep me from such 3:00 am blog posts!


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